Why Am I Like This?

I am very much panicking right now. I have this trend in my life. It’s called Self Sabotage. Maybe you’ve heard of it. It’s where those of us who have low self esteem and don’t believe we’re good enough start to crumble whenever good things happen in our lives. For example, I currently am working in a job I truly enjoy. I work with special needs children in an elementary school. I’ve wanted to do this for a very long time, and I finally have the chance! This is my second year as a ParaEducator. I have a natural talent for understanding children, and I have the love and patience for working with special needs kids.

One would look at me and think, Wow! She’s got it going on right now! Just bought a farm with her husband, has a job she loves, and is enjoying life!

One would look at me from the outside and assume I’m put-together and know what I’m doing. One would be very wrong. I have imposter syndrome. Most days I’m flying by the seat of my pants. (I mean, you try teaching 4th graders this crazy stuff they are calling math!) I feel like I don’t belong at the adult table, in adult conversations. Is that teacher talking to me? Is the assistant principal asking how I’m doing?

My Self Sabotage response is now kicking in. I have called out of work sick far too many days for the short amount of time I’ve worked there. And yes, I’ve actually been sick. Migraines, tummy issues, severe fatigue, etc. All of these emotions are manifesting physically. I’m making myself sick by overthinking and overreacting. I’m late to work sometimes because I have severe fatigue and have a really hard time getting up in the morning. (While also dealing with the insomnia that keeps me awake until the wee hours of the morning.)

Being self aware sometimes means I completely understand what’s happening and why, but doing anything about it is beyond my skills. I would love to wave a magic wand where I can force myself to believe that I’m good enough, smart enough, and gosh darnnit, people like me. I don’t always feel very liked, and I really don’t feel deserving or good enough. (But don’t worry, I know I’m pretty damn smart!) So how can I end this relentless cycle that I go through during nearly every job, every new friendship, every time something good happens to me? How do I stop the panic? When do I start believing in myself?