Why Am I Like This?

I really don’t know what now. I’m helpless, hopeless, and these feelings are endless. So what now? More therapy? More meds? More people telling me it will all be okay?

My last therapist was fired from his position because he was advocating for us patients, and his fellow co-workers. I don’t know the ins and outs of the whole ordeal, but I know what he told me. I was devastated because we had made a lot of progress and I felt like I was growing. We were in a place where we were just about to start EMDR, which I have been wanting to do for a long time. I used to be more resilient, able to bounce back faster. However, in the last few years I’ve had a more difficult time rebounding from such downfalls. My therapist being fired suddenly set me back and gave me a bad taste in my mouth. I didn’t know therapists could be fired like that! I know there’s more to the story, I’m not that naive, but the way I found out was wrong. Also, the fact that it happened so fast without us having an exit session seems unethical.

I have a new therapist who I found on Psychology Today. That’s how I usually find therapists. It was actually difficult to find someone who took my insurance in my new city that I moved to after my last fiasco. My insurance is difficult to deal with, so I understand why. It was also hard to find someone who would just get back to me. Like, do you not want business, or to help people? Otherwise maybe take your profile down. I was feeling quite jaded by the process. I need a therapist! I can’t keep doing this on my own!

The therapist I finally found heard my urgency. She understood what was going on and shuffled around her schedule to fit me in. It took a few weeks, but we’re finally through the whole intake process and about to begin our normal weekly visits. She is worried about me. It was a good feeling to have someone understand that this depression has taken root and it’s deep. It’s been here a long time and I can’t fight it by myself. The new therapist also agrees with me that EMDR is a great place to start. Especially since I’ve never had a chance to try it, and the trauma is affecting my entire life so much.

I am usually quite funny about my mental health. I mean hell, it’s laugh about it or let it consume me. But lately I’ve been in such a low place that I need help getting out, so my dark sense of humor hasn’t been as… humorous.

I would love to know what experiences other people have had with therapy. What types of therapy have you tried? Has it worked? I think I might always be on medication. Maybe for life. Do meds work for you? Even if they are temporary, that’s great! Getting help when you need it is important. Asking for help is the hard part. Accepting that help may also be difficult, or even triggering for people. I don’t mind accepting help. What I do mind is when that help ends up helping themselves and not me. That’s when I start to become reluctant the next time I need help. Hmmm, the last person I reached out to used me, or wasn’t in it for the right reasons. How do I trust again? Unfortunately, I’m too trusting. Maybe a good topic for next time!