Why Am I Like This?

Are you too trusting? I am. Part of my problem is that I want to be liked so badly by anyone and everyone. I think everyone that smiles at me or looks at me kindly wants to be my best friend forever. Anyone that says a kind word to me on the internet is meant to be my new bestie. The other part of my problem is that I don’t understand why we can’t all just be BFFs. Sure, I have people I dislike, but why can’t the majority of us become friends and show kindness and just be there for each other? And yes, I’ve taken sociology classes. I get why. There’s a difference, you see.

In my childhood I was quite naive and fell for all the tricks that mean people (including family) played on me. “Pull my finger”, or “Let’s see who can hit the softest”. Yep, I truly fell for it all, thinking this time it would be different. What I really fell for was anytime the Mean Girls pretended to be my friend. Or I should say, “every time”. It happened often, in different schools, with different sets of Mean Girls. I always thought this time they meant it, and I found my true Best Friends. I also watched way too many TV shows and movies. My head was in a cloud of fantasy where the Nice Girl always changed the Mean Girls’ hearts, and they became BFFs. Then the movie ended with them all riding their bikes into the sunset, or as grown-ups laughing over how silly they were as children. Spoiler: that’s not actually how it works. Mean Girls are always mean. Nice Girls don’t change their hearts. And another spoiler: Nice Girls sometimes just end up getting tired of being burned and bullied, and they turn mean.

I did become a Mean Girl for awhile when I was a teenager. I hardened that shell, practiced my scowl, and learned to turn my back on people. I even bullied a few girls, just like so many had done to me. Not quite to the extent that I had been bullied, such as physical bullying, but words are strong all by themselves. I still felt bad, and regretted who I was becoming and what I was saying. But other Mean Girls were finally leaving me alone. One time after I graduated high school my mom said to me, “I want my old Peggie back. The one that used to laugh and that was so nice to everyone.” I just replied, “That Peggie is gone.” I felt at the time I needed that hard exterior to keep from being hurt. Well guess what? My biggest hurt and heartache was yet to come. I was going into adulthood still naive, and about to be put through the test of what people do to Nice Girls.

I did start to soften up after high school. What my mom said to me affected me. I wanted the old me back, too. I hated being mad all the time. I could be rebellious and “Fight the Man” while still being kind to people. I could put those walls down and let people back into my life. I had some friends that really seemed to love me for me, and we had some great times together. Um…. I was so wrong. Few things show people’s true nature like someone in need. I needed friends, and family, and love, and kindness in my life. I looked around to find that when I had to stop acting dangerous and crazy because I became pregnant, only one friend was left standing. I wasn’t fun anymore, I wasn’t rowdy, I wasn’t reckless, and I wasn’t a Mean Girl. I had someone else to think about now. My life was my own. The one friend I had left got me through a lot, and showed me that the Nice Girls can win sometimes, too.

Why do people seem to like the Mean Girls better? That’s another question I’ve asked over the years. They seem to have so many friends. As an adult I’ve also encountered this issue. I’ve trusted so many women that turned out to be using me or taking advantage of my kindness. But they have so many friends and acquaintances. I don’t understand. When I dealt with this a few years ago I asked my daughter this question and her reply was, “Mom, she really doesn’t have true friends like you do. Her friends are probably superficial or fake.” I said, “No, she really does have a lot of friends. Like, friends from high school, and besties that she has matching tattoos with, and everyone we work with just loves her.” I didn’t get it. She was so mean, and used people. The way she talked behind everyone’s back made my skin crawl. As for me, I don’t have friends from high school. I don’t have matching tattoos with anyone. I do have a few very long time friends that I may have met once or twice in person, but they are mostly parasocial friendships. (Although they are very cherished friends.) I’ve lived a nomadic life. I didn’t get to put down roots, until now. I didn’t get to make those lifelong friends. My only friend left from school who hasn’t unfriended me on social media lives far away and we communicate by “likes” and “hearts”.

The worst part is, even these Mean Women, I want them to like me. I was so upset when this woman stopped talking to me for reasons I didn’t know. Hence the conversation with my daughter. Me trying to figure out what I did that made this Mean Woman stop talking to me at work, when the day before we were laughing and having fun. My daughter telling me it’s nothing I did and mean people like her are just this way. Me wondering why I’m STILL so trusting in my (almost) mid-40’s.

Now in my late 40’s, I’m still me. I’m still the Nice Girl. I’m still too trusting. I still get taken advantage of. In fact, it just happened by several people, several years in a row. I am not going to stop being nice to people. I don’t know how to be nice while also having a guard up. I see other people do it! I know it can be done. My daughter, for instance, can be very nice and helpful, but she also can set some boundaries for herself if her bucket is running low. While I have learned of the power of saying No and putting myself first, I still haven’t learned that doing things for other people doesn’t mean they will put forth that energy toward me. In fact, in my case, it’s been the opposite so often that it’s a wonder I trust people at all. My kids say I’m naive. I say my kindness and empathy are important to me. I’ve watched my mom go in a similar cycle for most of her life as well. She gets in with the in-crowd for awhile, and gets taken advantage of, and then hurt, and then eventually finds other friends. But she has a great way of bouncing back and finding more friends.

Let’s check back in another 20 years and see how I’m doing. Have I gotten any better? Do I feel like my friends are truly Nice People? I will say that my current friends are truly Nice People. I had a bit of a weeding out process not too long ago. With my mental health as raw as it is in its current state, I can’t also be people’s punching bag. I do enough of that all on my own.